Attack of the Disney Sidekicks

The following is from a future episode of the Charlie Rose Show, which can be seen on your local public television station.

Charlie Rose: Tonight, an in-depth panel discussion on the trials and tribulations of being a Disney movie sidekick. Joining me here in the studio are Mushu the dragon from "Mulan," Iago the Parrot from "Aladdin," Sebastian the Crab of "The Little Mermaid," and Cogsworth the clock and Lumiere the candlestick, both from "Beauty and the Beast."

Lumiere: I prefer the term "candelabra." "Candlestick" is so common.

Rose: Fine, "candelabra" it is. Sebastian, let's start with you. You're probably one of the more well-known Disney sidekicks. What do you see as one of the biggest problems facing future sidekicks?

Sebastian: Well, you know Charlie, I was one of the lucky ones. After the success of "Mermaid," I was able to ride the wave, so to speak, and get some commercials, merchandising deals, and even a spot in the new TV series. But not everyone gets to be so lucky. Some sidekicks are cast aside and quickly forgotten. You can't even buy their dolls anymore.

Iago: Why am I not surprised?! I knew you couldn't make it through the first question without finding a way to talk about yourself. Every time you do one of these things, you always manage to answer a question with some little bit of information about how great your life is.

Charlie Rose: Who are some of the sidekicks that didn't make it?

Sebastian: Let's see, there's the raccoon from "Pocahontas," the Satyr from "Hercules, and that clock fellow from "Beauty and the Beast."

Cogsworth: Hey, I'm sitting right here, you know!

Sebastian: Oh my. I'm very sorry. Please accept my apologies.

Cogsworth: Thank you. Now Charlie, as the number one sidekick from "Beauty and the Beast," I've enjoyed many benefits of being associated with that movie. For instance, I was asked to appear in the Christmas video followup, and was one of the favorites in the McDonald's Happy Meal release.

Lumiere: Fool! We were all asked to reappear in the video followup. And you were NOT the number one sidekick, I was.

Cogsworth: That is so untrue. I admit, you're a great sidekick, but you were second fiddle to me.

Lumiere: Second fiddle! Why, I ought to cook your cogs, you poor excuse for a timepiece.

Charlie Rose: Gentle. . . men, please. Let's try to keep this civil. Mushu, how about you. What has been your crowning glory?

Mushu: Well, to be honest, Charlie, Mulan was such a success that I'm very selective about what roles I take, and what kind of merchandising I authorize. I don't want my face to be plastered all over the place, and end up being typecast as a wisecracking little dragon for the rest of my career.

Iago: Selective? What he means to say is that there haven't been any roles or merchandising offers coming to him.

Mushu: HA! Look who's talking. You got picked up for the Aladdin TV show only out of pity. Otherwise you'd be doing the mid-afternoon poultry reports at an Alabama radio station. Besides, the story of Mulan is a noble, ancient Chinese legend. You can't just rewrite ancient Chinese legends just because the kids of some Hollywood bigwig want to see the show every day on TV.

Charlie Rose: Lumiere, how about you. You and Cogsworth are fairly unique in the industry as one of the only sidekick pairs in the Disney movie history. Has that had an effect on your success?

Lumiere: Well, Charlie, you bring up an excellent point. In many ways, our total success has doubled that of the single sidekicks because there are two of us. Like Sebastian was saying earlier, there are sidekicks that don't do well, but those that do are very successful, and when there's two of us, the accolades increase dramatically.

Cogsworth: That's right, Charlie. However, we're not that unique, because lately Disney has been trying to employ double sidekicks whenever possible. For instance, Mushu had Cri-Kee, Iago was cast opposite to Abu the monkey, and then there's Timon and Pumbaa from "The Lion King."

Iago: Oh, don't even get me started on those two. A few years ago, I was at the opening of "Pocahontas" with Mushu and Thumper -- now there's a sidekick with class -- when that little weasel and the big pig burst into the place like they own it, ransacked the hors d'oeurve table, and drank three bottles of champagne between them. Then, Timon broke into campy Broadway show tunes, and Pumbaa yelled at the caterer because there weren't enough bugs and grubs, then trampled him! Those two have probably been the most successful of any of us, and it's all gone to their heads.

Sebastian: Yes, it's a real shame. They could have been great role models for new and upcoming sidekicks. Instead, they've become the Dennis Rodman of the Disney Sidekick Industry.

Cogsworth: That's right Charlie. Despite our differences and occasional bickering, we have at least kept our reputations intact and our dignity through it all.

Charlie Rose: I think that will give us all something to think about. I'd like to thank my guests Mushu, Iago, Cogsworth, Sebastian, and Lumiere for taking the time to join us and share their insights with us. For all of us here at Charlie Rose and the Public Broadcasting System, have a good night.